Letting Go, Finding Peace, By Jules Shapiro
Just let go. Letting it go is getting it gone, getting it gone is getting peace.
When you are hanging on the edge of a cliff by your fingernails, jaw clenched, pebbles falling around you and dust falling into your eyes, there is a magical feeling of pressing your feet into the side of the mountain and pushing. Just stretching your arms out and free-floating into the open space of no regrets.
Taking that deep breath of knowing nothing but understanding everything.
Everything that chased me to the edge of that cliff had to do with anger and blame. Everything that made me release that death grip was about letting go of guilt and shame.
My mom said, “I worry that you internalize other people’s behavior.” I do have a tendency to take on and take in everyone else’s junk.
What is it that makes my mind the jailer of thoughts I do not need to keep. What makes my heart the hostage holder of feelings I do not need to hold?
Why does it have to be so hard?
The Blame Game. For many of us, justice is a big deal. We cannot let something go because we do not feel we have received proper justice. The problem is, over time, what was once something small becomes an overinflated balloon in our head. It is just waiting to pop. Because we will never get the kind of apology we want that balloon will explode right in the face of the relationship.
I get this routine. I was always a big fan of justice. When someone “wronged” me in some way, I wanted something done. I wanted someone to champion my cause or to see karma smack someone good and hard! But…
No amount of justice was ever going to make me happy. No apology from anyone, no matter how grand was going to make my perceived shitty life feel better. And, truth be told, all I was doing was giving away more of my precious power.
“The problem with blaming others is that it can often leave you powerless. For example, you confront the person (your boss, your spouse, your parent, your child), and they say, “No, I didn’t,” or worse, “So what if I did?”, then you’re left with all this anger and hurt and no resolution.
All your feelings are legitimate. It’s important to feel them fully, and then move on. Nursing your grievances indefinitely is a bad habit, because it hurts you more than it hurts them.” Holly Brown, LMFT
If I have a relationship with someone, and I am ruminating over injustice in this relationship, I have to ask myself, “how important is this relationship to me?” Is it a meaningful relationship? One that is going to steer the course of my life, even as an adult human in my tiny ecosystem? Is it a relationship into which I have invested a wealth of emotion? If so:
Get over it, Jules!
I have seen people in my life fail at this over and over. I have lost partners, parents, siblings, friends because one or the other of us cannot let something go. We wanted a bigger sorry, a grander apology. More apologies. This cycle of nonsense stops with me NOW. I am not repeating the hanging from the cliff of doom pattern anymore.
Once I figured this out, I realized that I don’t have to be afraid of the people I love, like my family. I felt like they knew I was broken and that if they loved me, they would fix all of my broken parts. I had come to the erroneous conclusion that they were holding on to every mistake I had made since I was a child and were not helping me because I had simply made too many mistakes. I used up all of my mistakes.
And, you cannot make people love you. Just because someone is family, an old therapist once told me, that does not require them to love you. Those were tough words to tell a kid, but it is true. I understand that now.
So, I took my power back. I leaped from that cliff. Leaping is a far better option than letting your crappy patterns push you. Freefalling in bliss and floating with the butterflies is a beautiful feeling.
Sitting on the stormcloud of grumble and growl is just not my thing anymore.
Originally posted on WhatTheJules.